A less hypocritical Cliche killer fic
by the good dr
Summary: One author decides to kill Mary Sues and Gary Stus WITHOUT creating more. In a move of briliance HK47 is sent from the Star Wars universe to kill Sues, and to help other characters back into their own universe. Xovers TBA, language, violence, no ships.
1. Chapter 1 I am a machine

Well happy new year. This idea struck me sometime after Christmas and I decided I wasn't going to do a Christmas chapter for International Police (Deep Space Liberty's Christmas chapter sucked in my opinion). I thought what if I decided to kill Sues off without creating an original character (or using Chuck Norris, because that wouldn't be fair for the Sues and Stues would it), but realized no other human had the capacity to do so. So I decided... well just read this, and yes it is a crossover with everyone's favorite Starwars videogame series.

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Harry Potter was bashing his head as he was forced to listen to hundreds of girls argue over him. Ever since fan fiction had taken off in his universe his life had been plagued by Marry Sues who loved him, made love to him, killed him, were related to him, hated him, or ignored him completely for Draco or Snape. He didn't even want to get started with Garry Stus. Generally they killed all of his importance in the story; otherwise he was a Garry Stu. But at least they were better than slash fics. Or anime crossovers. And he had done enough Twilight crossovers to know that Bella needed to see a shrink and needed to get a life. He loved the authors who created OCs who killed Marry and Garry. Though he thought it was a bit hypocritical to create a Sue to kill a Sue.

Canon Hermione sat down next to Harry at the lunch table. "Did you hear, you have another sister. Harry I know what you think about some of those Sues, but please don't, you'll have enough children in the future as it is." She warned.

A Ron from a Marry Sue story walked up behind Hermione. "I love you with all my heart Hermione and I…"

Cannon Hermione cut him off "I'm Cannon you idiot, can't you read what the author just wrote?" Before Ron could answer his head was blasted off.

"Great another Gary Stu fic. Well I'm off to a…" Harry stopped mid sentence as he saw a large red droid with a rifle pointed at the now dead Ron.

Hermione, realizing how impossible it was for electronics to work inside Hogwarts asked the obvious question "Wait, how come you work in Hogwarts? Did your author forget to look into that?"

"Proud Statement: I am of superior design than any other droid." It stated.

"What are you? Who sent you here?" Harry asked as he tried to push hundreds of Sues off him.

"Statement: I am HK47, my master sent me here to kill all non canon meatbags, and to follow your orders as if you were my master, and to kill all non cannon meatbags." As if to make his point, he switched his blaster rifle to rapid fire and began to mow down the unsuspecting Sues. "Warning: touch the master and die meatbags!"

"Uh, shouldn't you have said that before you killed them?" Harry asked.

"Deception: I believe it slipped my mind master. Hopeful query: Is there another meatbag you need me to kill master?

"Err…"

"Harry, what is this thing? Why are there dead bodies lying everywhere? Why have you killed one, one trillionth of the foreign exchange program?" Asked a manipulative Dumbledore.

"Statement: This meatbag is not cannon. Shall I kill him now master?"

"Huh? Do you have to?"

"Rececitation: Yes I do master, it was an order from my true master, the only one who outranks you."

"Harry what is it talking about?"

"Just shout out a warning before you fire ok." Harry said.

"Warning: Meatbag I would suggest you run away as my blaster rifle charges up." Then before Dumbledore could move, there was a smoking hole in his chest.

Cannon Dumbledore ran down to the droid. "Stop! What are you doing? Everyone deserves a second chance."

"Statement: I believe I gave him more than two chances to attack me."

"Harry, how did this come to you?" Dumbledore asked, even though he knew the droid could answer that himself.

"Query: Are you blind ancient meatbag, I am right here."

Dumbledore cast a silencing charm on the sociopathic droid.

Only a sound of static came from HK47.

"Well I don't know proffesor, it said that it's master ordered it to kill anything non cannon and to follow my orders."

"Well it might put things back into balance… as much as I hate to say this Harry, you can let it kill anything non cannon, but if it breaks that rule, then it will be destroyed." Dumbledore removed the silencing charm from the droid.

"Joyful praise: You are perhaps the best meatbag I have ever seen."

"Do you have to call all humans meatbags?" Hermione asked, intrigued at the amount of technology HK47 must contain.

"Query: Would you prefer me to call you something else? Perhaps liquidous fleshbag?"

"Err… no." Hermione stated, knowing it was in the droids programing and there was nothing she could do about it, she wasn't its master.

"Hopeful query: Master I am detecting large amounts of Sue activity, may I please kill the meatbags now and without warning?"

"No, you have to warn them."

"Objection: Please master, I beg you to not make them alert, some of them would seem to be able to harm me quite effectively if they had ample warning."

"No, you must warn them."

"Statement: Master you are being overly difficult. They might not even be aware of their deaths without me warning them."

"Are you programed to feel remorse?" Hermione asked.

"Shocked query: Why would I feel remorse for killing meatbags? If I do not kill them, they will all die for some reason or another. Statement: In the end I do not kill meatbags, you and your lack of any organized repair skills are the problem."

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Now obviously I have to say this somewhere, this is fanfiction. If you are stupid enough to think I own **ANYTHING **then you deserve to be shot in the head. I have several other universes that will cross over into this, but it will primarily be Harry Potter and Star Wars KOTOR (1 and 2).

signed the good dr.


	2. Chapter 2 the meeting

Well thanks to the fact that this is in the crossover section, it's been getting a lot of publicity. Thanks to all of you who thought it was funny. For those who care, sorry this is short, but I have a short attention span or something because I can not write something long. This chapter contains references to family guy, just as a heads up. For anyone who cares, International Police will be updated by wednesday. I may also continue Toy Soldiers 2867, but I'm debating whether I have the time, though I am touched people actually like it.

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Chapter two: In which the Sues try and kill the homicidal droid, and other clichés are pointed out.

In a secret room of Hogwarts that wasn't the Chamber of Secrets, a large group of figures were having a meeting. (A/N Seriously is it me or is that just one huge ass cliché to have yet another undiscovered room? Oh, and it isn't the room of requirement either, that's too overused.)

"We must destroy this new threat… preferably before the author losses interest in this fic and decides to just kill all of us and to have the canon characters live happily ever after" said the seductive female voice of a Mary Sue. (A/N I'm also tackling bad grammar.)

"How long until the anti-Sues are killed? (A/N anti-Sue in this case means a character that is intentionally created as weak and ugly so as not to be Mary Sue/Gary Stu)" asked the overly masculine voice of a Gary Stu.

"Dude, if I smoke this I like can totally do magic" randomly blurted a character from a fic that's only plot is that everyone does drugs and is happy and hippie ass crap like that.

One of the priests from the Da Vinci Code immediately killed him because it went against the bible. Then some anarchist Stu killed the priest because he hated anything that resembled organization. Then an average Gary Stu killed him because he just liked to kill things.

Mary Sue quickly recovered from the randomness and pointed out the obvious by saying "Wow that was random."

"Not as random as the times I've been in a fight with Ernie the Giant Chicken" Peter Griffin appeared out of nowhere.

"Oh no!" Said Mary Sue as she realized their secret place had been discovered and their wards fooled.

"Oh no!" Repeated Gary Stu.

Suddenly one of the walls was destroyed by the Kool-Aid Man who shouted "OH YEAH!"

"Fuck these family guy references!" Gary Stu yelled as he pulled out his Tommy gun and shot both Peter Griffin and the Kool-Aid Man.

"Damn, why couldn't you have killed the vile woman?" asked Stewie

"You know what, if Voldemort was beaten by a baby, shouldn't an evil baby genius be able to defeat HK-47 and replace the entire canonical cast of Harry Potter?" asked Gary Stu.

"You know what, that makes so little sense it just might work." Agreed horrible judgment Stu.

"Eh fine, why not, half of us are immortal, what the hell do we have to lose?" Said an unidentified character.

"Statement: you have your lives to lose that's what!" Shouted HK-47 as he ran through the hole made by the now deceased Kool-Aid Man. He then fired his disrupter rifle at all of those in attendance. Despite the fact that Hogwarts had wards to protect against apparition, all of the Sues and Stus in attendance quickly escaped.

"Victory shall be mine!" Stewie yelled as he pulled out a ray gun. However HK-47 had an energy shield and absorbed the shot.

"Statement: it is a pity you are canon, it means I have to set to stun." HK-47 said with remorse for the lack of violence as he sent a stun round to the homicidal baby.

"Copyright infringement: In another universe I might have called you friend." HK-47 said as he realized that the small meatbag might actually have been a good friend (A/N in the event you don't understand it, HK-47 is copying a famous line from Star Trek)

Meanwhile at the Hall of Justice (yeah that's right the Sues and Stus took over the Hall of Justice) an all seeing prophet was watching the story unfold. He then got bored and switched to a pirated copy of Blazing Saddles.

"Damn, need to get ready for my other fic!" he shouted as he saw the time.

* * *

For anyone who doesn't know, Blazing Saddles is a western spoof which is fairly funny if you can get over the usage of the n word, and the breakage of the fourth wall. Well it's 1:24 in the morning and I'm tired as hell.

signed the good dr.


	3. Chapter 3 Twilight bashing

Well I'm back. For anyone who cares I recently saw the new Star Trek movie. While it was a great movie in and of itself, I could never consider it truely in the Star Trek canon due to... well I wouldn't want to spoil it for anyone would I?

As the title of this chapter states it is almost completely dedicated to bashing Twilight. And for those who want to say "doctor, Twilight isn't a cliche" have you seen how many Tilight/HP crossovers there are? Then have you seen how many of them have EC/HP ships. What the hell is wrong with you people, what little plot Twilight had was based on Eddy boy's infatuation with Bella. And don't get me started with the whole Edward is Cedric thing.

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Canon Harry was walking down the hallways to defense against the dark arts. Ever since HK-47 had been assigned to kill Marry Sues and Garry Stus Hogwarts seemed less crowded. Though he did have to admit the mountain of dead bodies piled in the room of requirement was quite high. Gay Edward Cullen jumped out from behind a corner.

"I love you Harry with all my heart, even though I look a lot like Ced…" the vampire then burst into flames as HK-47 hit the vampire with a molten plasma thrower.

"Proud statement: If by indestructible you mean highly flammable, then yes I would agree that you are in fact _indestructible_." HK-47 stated proudly. (In the event you missed his little opening statement. You know what we all know how he talks, if you see dialogue like that just assume it's from him, or it… wouldn't HK be an it not a him?)

"Uhhh… he never said anything like that." Harry asked as he began to think the droid was becoming insane.

"Reply: Sorry master, they all look the same after a while, I assumed I had met him before."

As if to prove his point, another gay Edward stepped out of nowhere.

"Harry I…" he tried to finish the line his author had given him, only to be burned alive by HK.

"You know what; I'm surprised how well you're handling these stupid fanon creations. If I'd have known we only needed to enlist the help of George Lucas's creations I'd have had Darth Vader help me reduce the competition." Said an Evil Sith Harry to the author (notice the capitalization, it makes him eviler). "It's also a good thing I am a Sith Lord!" He shouted as he drew a red light saber. But in the event his author was a true Star Wars fan, he would have known HK-47 was trained to fight Jedi and Sith. He quickly proceeded to burning the Sith as he had the gay vampires. (Though in all fairness Edward was fairly gay in canon. Seriously you're in your nineties have legions of fan girls and haven't tried to exploit it, good god man at least go for the fan girls over forty if you're picky about age, to which I should say there are some fan girls over forty I'm sure)

"My clients would like to file a charge against HK-47 for only attacking people of homosexual bias in this chapter (yes the Sith was gay, his light saber could turn to pink if he wanted it to)." Said a randomly appearing lawyer. Canon Dumbledore walked right past the scene and HK-47 did not attack him, thus proving he equally hates all meatbags.

"Damn you and your logic author… damn it all to hell." He then whipped out a magical cell phone which worked in the school. "I still get paid." He said before he walked off and disappeared.

All of a sudden canon Edward ran into the tall red homicidal droid. And shouted "Oh no, where is Bella? She's been gone for two seconds; she'll kill herself if I'm not there. Have you seen my girlfriend?" (This Edward is from before they do the whole weird marriage thing.)

"Observation: It would seem as if the author is attempting to bash the Twilight series. Quite frankly it is astonishing that something as disgusting as holding oil filled hands and breathing dead skin cells through one's nostrils could be put in a positive light. It also raises the question of just how anyone could let their life be controlled by an obsessive mate and still be attracted to them. I fail to understand humans at times."

"Well it's ok, I'm human and I barely understand us." Said Harry.

"Hello, where is my girlfriend?" asked a hysterical Edward. "I haven't seen her in two minutes."

"Can't you read minds?" asked Harry.

"Yeah, but I was asking the machine." Edward pointed to HK-47

"Answer: I do believe I have seen ninety six of your girlfriends, sixty of them as your wife, ten of them as witches attending Hogwarts, and the rest are disguised as Hermione for one reason or another."

"You look familiar to me… didn't you play as Cedric in the movie adaptation of the fourth book?" Harry asked.

"No time… have to control Bella's life and go sparkle in the sunshine." He yelled as he raced off.

**Meanwhile at the hall of justice** **(in the event you've all forgotten it was taken over by the Sues off screen in the last chapter)**

"Yes I have the real Bella! Now all I have to do is kill Edward and the rest of the Twilight cast as they try and save her in order to become my authors favorite character again." Monologued the head Stu. "And I plan to do it by activating the Halo rings!" he finished.

"Hey chief, it sounds like there's a bad guy giving a monologue in there." Yelled the most kick ass Marine in the universe, Master Sergeant Avery Johnson.

"Chief we can't let him activate the rings! It will kill everything in the galaxy!" Cortana said pointing out the obvious.

"He can't be as bad as the Covenant, at least he knows what the rings do. Plus he's killing Twilight; do you know how many soldiers the UNSC lost in 2386 during The Great Twitard Purge?" master Chief Spartan II John 117 pointed out.

"What the hell is Twilight?" Sergeant Johnson asked as he lit a Sweet Williams Cigar.

"It was a story so horrible that in the twenty fourth century it was deemed that all copies of the book and it sequels were to be burned, and all Twilight fan girls were to be burned to death." Cortana stated matter-of-factly. "It resulted in the death of six hundred thousand, fifty six thousand, nine hundred, and eighty seven deaths for UNSC personnel when they accidentally read parts of the books during The Great Twitard Purge."

"All Spartan IIs have standing orders to destroy anything related to the series on site." The Chief said repeating the one thing he had been ordered since childhood.

"It doesn't matter what happened in your universe, I will be the author's favorite character by destroying Twilight!" the leader of the Sues shouted.

"Aint gonna happen, I wasn't sent out with a bang to let some idiot fire the Halo rings. Also how are you going to fire them? We aint on a Halo or the Ark." Sergeant Johnson pointed out the enemy leader's flaws as he aimed his Spartan Laser.

"Stop pointing out holes in my plan, I make it up as I go along." He replied. "Oh shit red dot, that can't be good." He stated as the laser primed. The enemy leader then jumped out of the way as the laser shot out of the weapon blasting a hole in the wall behind him.

"Damn, I missed Chief."

"No that was Batman's computer!" The enemy leader shouted as he realized that Johnson had indeed destroyed Batman's overly large supercomputer. "That had all my Delta Force files on it. You bastard."

"Chief just snipe him." Cortana ordered. John then whipped out his sniper rifle, and shot at the leader of the Sues. It was the only time he ever missed.

"Hey that's where the remote for the trap door I installed is." The Sue leader said in amazement as he found a remote control under his new couch. He then pushed the button, only to find out that it was the garage door opener. He then ran to the Batmobile and drove away.

"Couldn't we just have stopped him?" Johnson asked.

The trap door then opened to send the heroes to a deep pit.

* * *

I always wanted the Chief to kill the cast of Twilight, but it just didn't seem to fit right. That being said Bella is being held in a secret test facility known as area 51, just so the Twilight fans know.

International Police will be updated tomorrow, and I have half of a chapter for Toy Soldiers 2867, but will likely not finish it for a few more months due to my lazyness.

signed the good dr.


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